‘My guilt and grief is increasing. I feel suicidal’

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

As part of an initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

  • Ask ANU: ‘I feel suicidal. What can I do?’
  • ASK ANU: How do I deal with loss of a loved one?
  • Are couples fighting more in the lockdown?
  • ASK ANU: Do couples have less sex after marriage?

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to [email protected] (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here’s the unedited excerpt from Anu’s latest offline session with readers:

MV: I am married for last 23 years. I discovered that my wife has an extra marital affair for more than 10 years now.

She confessed and said she’ll move away, but she hasn’t.

In addition, I discovered that outside our marriage, she is in relationship with more than three persons at the same time, and always looking for sex.

At times even with those who are the same age as our 20-year -ld daughter.

There is no fun in being with her or continuing the marriage.

Recently she left home after fighting with me and started living in a separate rented home. Kids are with me mostly but they keep visiting her.

While I’m not interested in bringing her back, and that all my faith in the institution of marriage is now lost, what should be my approach in the remaining part of life?

I’m not looking for a life companion now.

ANU: Dear MV, I can only imagine what you must have been through. But it’s also nice to hear that you know exactly what you want to do.

This is possibly another phase of your life and it’s imperative that you start to look at your life with a fresh pair of eyes.

What I mean to say is: If you could go back in time much before you married, what are the things that still excite you?

Any hobbies, any professional pursuits?

This is the time to focus very strongly on building a good NOW and a fine future which means you need to pay attention to what is it that fires and fuels you as an individual.

Also reconnect with old friends and build new connections solely from the point of view of a social circle.

This will engage you with fresh idea, thoughts and this energy also helps you parent your children better.

All in all, when you are happy, your children also send back the same vibes to you.

The past cannot be changed and there is no point going back especially because you have decided to move on.

Then move on with a giant powerful stride by focusing on creating, building something new as it you can fill it like a new canvas and share it with your children as well.

Do what it takes to have a positive outlook in life; friends, work, hobbies, thoughts…let each of these be a choice that you make so that you always be in a positive frame of mind.

When, you do feel down and out, allow it BUT remind yourself that you have chosen this path and that you will come out strong no matter what.

Wishing you a wonderful life filled with strength and joy!

D: I’m an orphan and somehow I’m financially stable. After Covid my wife also lost almost all her family members. So kind of both are orphans now.

We want at least 10 children now and this is well thought decision.

My wife is over 35 still recovering with post Caeserian trauma after our 1st child naturally our target is impossible now however best sex or ways we try.

She too is ready for anything any relationship which can give us minimum 10 children (genetically ours) and adoption we’ll consider only out of love and not this or other needs, to add family beyond 10 children, if possible.

With nasty bad luck, we have no other choice except this well thought decision.

Kindly help us know how we can achieve. We’re ready for any sort of extra marital or any other relationships or surrogacy etc.

Please help Anu ma’am.

ANU: Dear D, It is indeed a tough phase that you have been through.

Losing loved ones is very draining emotionally and I can only imagine the pain that you both feel.

Having said this, I am not about to question or judge why you want 10 children or the methods you want to achieve that number. That’s your personal decision.

But my job as a Mind Coach is to point out that extra marital affairs and a pregnancy from that can lead to complicated relationship arrangements.

Who will care for the baby? Will three people co-parent?

How do you propose to deal with the emotional and developmental effects on the baby who has to understand who is are his/her parents?

Surrogacy is an option that you might want to look at considering that your wife is also over 35 years.

Adoption is worth considering if you look a giving another child a home and also you have a child within your family.

Whatever your decision, also consider the financial responsibilities of raising 10 children.

I am only giving you various perspectives and also suggest: Please speak to someone neutral; it could be a counsellor or a close friend where you can release your grief of losing your loved ones.

Sit with them and weigh this entire proposition and hear their objective thought process.

Whatever you decide, bring a child into your home and hearts knowing that you can give them a loving home, support and care.

If you are convinced after all deliberations, make a wise decision with your wife and raise that huge family that you are dreaming of.

Be a happy family.

S: I am unable to overcome the guilt and grief of losing my father due to Covid since a year now.

My guilt and grief is only increasing daily. I feel suicidal everyday almost most of the time. I have a younger brother, younger sister and mom.

I am only alive, but I am ready to die any moment. Just holding on somehow because I am worried about my family.

What should I do as I only feel deep sadness and guilt and I am unable to work and support my family.

ANU: Dear S, your grief is personal to you and I can only imagine what you must be going through.

Loved ones leave us to grieve after them and we only go deeper into that well of grief.

But I want you ask yourself this: Will my father be happy to see me this way?

Is this why he raised me to see me in grief?

Is my family happy seeing me like this?

Can I do anything to get myself to a better state of mind?

Suicide is never ever an option.

Every life must be celebrated just like you celebrated your father’s life when he was with you.

Continue in that; celebrate him, relive memories with him and talk to people about what a wonderful human he was.

Pass on his values that rest in you and your siblings to whoever you meet and that will help you remember him for all the beautiful things that he brought into your lives.

Call for a family gathering and each of you talk about him fondly and how he added value in your lives.

Celebrate people when they live and celebrate their memories when they leave you.

Grieve but don’t ever give up. Your father would want to see you move on and live and thrive.

Happy rebirthing to you.

N: Dear Anu, I am a 44-year-old married man.

My wife and I had a love marriage. But just after the birth of our second child we started developing some smaller differences and issues.

Nothing really major. However my wife started staying away from me physically.

The intimacy and love in the relationship reduced and eventually stopped. Along the way I tried to go close to her but she wasn’t interested.

I tried a lot but it didn’t help. We even tried to go to the counselor but she wasn’t quite interested so we stopped midway.

Now eight years have passed since we have had any physical closeness.

We live like roommates just looking after the kids. However now my wife is making attempts to come close to me but somehow I don’t feel anything for her and I am not co-operating.

I feel like I just want to go away from everyone and start living independently. What is your advice? We have two daughters.

ANU: Dear N, What went through your wife’s mind at the time of the birth of your second child is something that needs to be addressed.

Maybe the work of bringing up two children exhausted her or there was a hormonal disturbance that made her lose interest. But let bygones be bygones.

Now that she is trying to get closer, maybe you can also try to see what the two of you can do to rebuild the closeness.

Rather than jump straight to sex, create closeness step by step.

Spend quality time together, watch movies, engage in a hobby together, cook together…the fondness and affection outside the bedroom might help breaking the ice and you start to at least engage in an affectionate manner towards one another.

It is easy to walk out of a marriage but do remember what the reason to walk out will be?

After a few years, it might not been worth it at all…Why not at least give the above suggestions a try?

Engage as friends with no expectations from one another and let the purpose be a happy engagement just like the one we have with out friends.

You also have two daughters who definitely want to be in a loving family; so give this a chance and see if it works out. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Happy rebuilding your life!

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